Saturday, October 24, 2015

The Real & Honest Update

A few weeks ago, I posted about my crappy summer, why I haven't been around as much as I used to and some updates about my writing. If you want to read it you can check it out here. Recently, I read a couple honest posts from writer friends and it inspired me to be honest too.

What I didn't mention in my update post is that I've also been falling in and out of funks. Big, nasty funks that take away my motivation and my drive. The days where I would scribble in my notebook while at work, or get an idea in the shower and have to get out to write it down immediately, or have conversations with my characters during my commute to work, are gone. And I miss those days. So much. I long for that moment when the love and the drive smack into me at full force that I have no choice but to accept it with open arms and get down to business. I'm waiting...but that's the problem. I've been waiting for a very long time.

I'll admit, not all days are horrible, but the good days don't last long. The feeling of failure and disappointment tend to creep in and paralyze me, leaving me to stare at a blank computer screen for hours. Then when hours pass and I haven't written a single word I get so mad at myself. To think about how much I could've got done if I would just suck it up and force it out. It's a vicious cycle. Though, I do write, I just know I can be writing so much more, and that frustrates me.

The other thing that kills all my mojo, and I hate to admit, is jealousy. I have never been a jealous person. I am always happy for other peoples success and am the first to congratulate them. However, lately, it seems everybody is a USA Today Bestseller or a NYT Bestseller and I'm not. And maybe I should just accept the fact that I may never be. It's just a list, right? But trying to convince myself that, when post after post on Facebook of other people being worthy enough to make it, is almost impossible. It's like a big flashing light telling me I will never be good enough. I'll always just be mediocre. I wish I could embrace that because there is nothing wrong with mediocre, but that nagging, impossible to get rid of voice in the back of mind, won't let me.

The worst part is I feel like I'm letting my readers down. From 2013-2014 I released three of my own books, two with a publisher and one self pubbed, and cowrote three books and a novella. For 2015 I released only one. People keep telling me they can't wait for another Tessa/Theresa book and when they ask me when they can expect it I never know what to say. So I just say I'm working on it. I wish I could tell them tomorrow or next month. I wish I could give them something to look forward to, but right now... I have nothing. So to all my readers that are patiently waiting and haven't abandoned ship, I just want to say thank you.

I thought 2015 was going to be my year. I have never been so wrong about anything in my life. So I'm not going to proclaim that 2016 will be that year. I'm just going to say I hope it is.  

And now the only thing I have left to say is, stay tuned.

10 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're feeling this. I have also had those green eyes of why is everyone else getting everything I want when it comes to writing. It got so bad for a while that I couldn't even read other peoples books let alone write my own. I was a complete mess. Slowly, I forced myself to read one book, then another. I'm back to reading, but not as much as before. And it's something I desperately miss. Those sorts of feelings destroy my productivity, and it's no surprise that this is the first year I haven't whipped out two novels. I'm struggling to get myself into position to finish one, and it ain't looking good.

    The thing I would warn you about, is that you shouldn't write off 2015 yet. There are two months left. Two glorious cycles of the moon. Have a seat (or better yet, put together a standing desk!) and just start putting the words together. Your characters will come back. They haven't deserted you. You are not out of ideas. You are not washed up. The best is yet to come. Your characters are waiting for you to come to them. They are in your keyboard.

    Good luck, and if you need a pep talk or just an ear to chew on, you've got my email.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It makes it easier to know that I'm not alone in this. I guess it's something we all go through at some point.Your words mean a lot.

      I also stopped reading. I think my goodreads total of books read this year is 12 and some were novellas. For me that is just sad. I miss reading too and I'm trying to force myself to read more often.

      I absolutely love this: "Your characters are waiting for you to come to them. They are in your keyboard." That is exactly what I needed to hear :)! *hugs*

      Delete
  2. I got your back, jack. Always here for you, God and bad days :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hugs from far away. I get ya.

    My reading list is about the same as yours. What sucks too is that I'm reading all these 'great' books and they're just blah to me. I know a great book to one person can mean nothing to another, but I've been running into that a lot, and they're books I should love, and I think it's more to do with lack of motivation to read and not those books.

    Don't know what to tell ya. Just keep at it, I guess. Wow--I'm an inspiration, huh? But really, you're a terrific writer and those other awesome stories in your head will make it down on paper. Maybe it's just finding the right story to connect with. I don't know, but don't give up because you'll get it back sometime.

    ReplyDelete