A few weeks ago, I posted about my crappy summer, why I haven't been around as much as I used to and some updates about my writing. If you want to read it you can check it out here. Recently, I read a couple honest posts from writer friends and it inspired me to be honest too.
What I didn't mention in my update post is that I've also been falling in and out of funks. Big, nasty funks that take away my motivation and my drive. The days where I would scribble in my notebook while at work, or get an idea in the shower and have to get out to write it down immediately, or have conversations with my characters during my commute to work, are gone. And I miss those days. So much. I long for that moment when the love and the drive smack into me at full force that I have no choice but to accept it with open arms and get down to business. I'm waiting...but that's the problem. I've been waiting for a very long time.
I'll admit, not all days are horrible, but the good days don't last long. The feeling of failure and disappointment tend to creep in and paralyze me, leaving me to stare at a blank computer screen for hours. Then when hours pass and I haven't written a single word I get so mad at myself. To think about how much I could've got done if I would just suck it up and force it out. It's a vicious cycle. Though, I do write, I just know I can be writing so much more, and that frustrates me.
The other thing that kills all my mojo, and I hate to admit, is jealousy. I have never been a jealous person. I am always happy for other peoples success and am the first to congratulate them. However, lately, it seems everybody is a USA Today Bestseller or a NYT Bestseller and I'm not. And maybe I should just accept the fact that I may never be. It's just a list, right? But trying to convince myself that, when post after post on Facebook of other people being worthy enough to make it, is almost impossible. It's like a big flashing light telling me I will never be good enough. I'll always just be mediocre. I wish I could embrace that because there is nothing wrong with mediocre, but that nagging, impossible to get rid of voice in the back of mind, won't let me.
The worst part is I feel like I'm letting my readers down. From 2013-2014 I released three of my own books, two with a publisher and one self pubbed, and cowrote three books and a novella. For 2015 I released only one. People keep telling me they can't wait for another Tessa/Theresa book and when they ask me when they can expect it I never know what to say. So I just say I'm working on it. I wish I could tell them tomorrow or next month. I wish I could give them something to look forward to, but right now... I have nothing. So to all my readers that are patiently waiting and haven't abandoned ship, I just want to say thank you.
I thought 2015 was going to be my year. I have never been so wrong about anything in my life. So I'm not going to proclaim that 2016 will be that year. I'm just going to say I hope it is.
And now the only thing I have left to say is, stay tuned.